If I had a submarine
The International Civil Aviation Organization (ICAO) is the international regulatory body that governs the aviation industry. It develops and implements Standards and Recommended Practices (SARPs) used by member countries to regulate aspects of air navigation, aircraft operation, safety, security, environmental protection, and air traffic management.
What does this have to do with what I would do if I owned a submarine?
One of the ICAO’s SARPs is that a passenger aircraft’s crew be able to evacuate everyone from the aircraft within 90 seconds in the event of a crash landing, big or small.
When an Air France plane went off the end of a runway in Toronto in 2005, one of the news outlets reported the crew could get everyone off the plane in 90 seconds, writing as if this was some heroic achievement when it resulted from good training. And following an ICAO SARP.
So what does this have to do with my submarine?
First, let’s look at my submarine itself. It would be designed with the most advanced stealth operating capabilities, crewed by the world’s best submariners, who were also personally committed to my submarine’s mission.
That mission would be sinking oligarch yachts.
A standard Seek and Destroy mission. But not a heartless one. Just like the ICAO, a mission’s SOP would be to give those on board a warning to evacuate. Enough time to escape with their lives but not enough time to collect items from safes and such, just like in an aircraft where, on evacuation, you have to forget what you have in the overhead bin and get your sorry ass off the plane if you want to stay alive.
I think ten minutes would be generous. Anyone scrambling to collect their valuables would be like the brave captain going down with the ship.
The mission would begin in the most fertile hunting grounds, which would probably be the Mediterranean; popular for its favorable weather and proximity to countries with exceptional food and wine, such as France and Italy.
Of course, after the first strike, I and my crew would designated terrorists, hence the need for the most advanced stealth operating capabilities. We would certainly be hunted. But our mission would not include engaging in naval battles. Our mission would be single-minded: sink every oligarch yacht floating or sailing on our planet’s waterways wherever that might be.
The Cayman Islands would certainly deserve a stop, as would even Baja, Mexico.
Sinking oligarch yachts causing no human casualties could be viewed, (using naval terms), as a shot across the bow. A warning shot.
We would be coming after everything they have plundered from us.
How would we fund our operation?
Simple.
On board would be the most skilled and innovative Russian hackers money can steal.
You’re thinking that we would certainly have to take to some port at some point to re-supply staples.
No. For that we would have frogwomen. Not frogmen. Frogwomen. And the more attractive, the better. A blunt reality is that attractive women can usually curry a disproportionate number of favors than can the average-looking person, male or female. Some might even be able to infiltrate an oligarch’s inner circle. Oligarchs seem to be drawn to attractive women. And the younger, the better.
As a species, we prefer things that are pretty over things that are not. Jackie Kennedy did not grow a dandelion garden. She grew a rose garden, despite the dandelion’s essential role in nature.
We all know that light does not penetrate far beneath an ocean’s surface. So what difference would it make what color my hard-to-detect submarine would be?
Therefore, it would be yellow.
Our global economy and hence our lives, are controlled by a handful of oligarchs of unfathomable wealth. Politicians are bought and sold like Turkish Delights in the Grand Bazaar (Kapalıçarşı) in Istanbul. Many politicians, after serving just one term, get lifetime salaries and pensions
We live in the Age of Obscenity.
Don’t you think it’s time for my yellow submarine to set to sea?